Hide and Seek

Hello friends.  It has been a minute since I last posted.  Yes, I have been hiding...I "fell" off the dieting wagon...not really, I jumped off with both feet!!!  I have been avoiding my blog and my responsibility to myself as well as to my readers.  I am very sorry for that.  I have no excuses, but I do offer you an explanation.  For those of you who have never had to diet you may not understand.  When a person has made something such as this so public, for everyone to look at, scrutinize, criticize and sometimes support, it is easy to want to hide from that.  When I chose to take time off from my diet, I did not report it here because I view it as a failure.  Failure has always been my greatest fear and stumblingblock!  It is the reason I often choose not to try.  But today, I have decided to face my failure.  I am going to man up!!!  I failed.  Wow!  That was easier than I thought, I didn't die, I'm not depressed, I can go on....maybe failure is not as bad as we think!  What have I learned during my time of rebellion?  I don't like feeling over full, I don't like feeling guilty about eating, I don't like the scale mocking me, I don't like being held accountable, and above all...I AM HUMAN!  So, where do I go from here?  I have decided to try again.  Failure didn't kill me but the weight will!  I have to start over.  I need your support!  I would LOVE to lose about 50 more lbs by the end of the year, but I am willing to set a more realistic goal of 35-40.  I have not gotten on the scale yet, but that is my next step.  I know I may have gained a few lbs back, but not much.  So, tomorrow I will get on the scale and then I will post it here.  I think I have finally fixed the comment section so please comment.  Feel free to leave positive or negative, whatever you want, this is a safe place for everyone to be honest!!!  Until tomorrow, weight on me!!

Hey everyone!!  Hope you are having a great day!  The weather here is hot but beautiful!  I weighed Monday at 235lbs, which is a total loss of 53lbs!!!  Wooo Hooo!  I FINALLY broke the 50lb mark!!!  I am very excited about that!  Next goal 60!  I am still in amazement that I am actually losing weight!  Somebody pinch me!

So, on Father's Day we went to Dollywood Splash Country to celebrate.  It was my husband, two sons, one daughter in law and my mom.  Yes, I wore a swimsuit, in fact it was the same one I had bought to wear on the cruise in March and yes, it did fit much better!!!  So a big girl in a bathing suit....sounds like a very uncomfortable situation for everyone, right?   I learned something about myself that day.  Walking around in my swimsuit, I caught myself looking for someone who was my size or bigger.  Isn't that interesting?  Like I would feel more comfortable if I wasn't the largest girl in the park.  I thought about this and realized, I have done this my whole life!  I wonder do ALL girls look for someone that looks worse than they do when they enter an unfamiliar place?  A girl who may be shorter, or taller, bigger or smaller, uglier, dumber?  Why do we feel better about ourselves when we are around others who we feel superior to?  I wonder if that is an "American" thing?  Since then, I have made a concentrated effort to NOT look for the bigger girl!  I have had successful days and days of failure, but now that I am aware I will try to stop!  I do not need others to make me feel good about myself, that's my job!  I have always prided myself on my independence, my ability to be self reliant and my self esteem, maybe I have been fooling myself all this time?  Why do I keep finding things I need to work on emotionally?  I just wanted to lose weight!  Ah Ha!  There is no just losing weight, you have to deal with they why to prevent it from happening again!  Crud!  Oh well, no more weighting, now's my time!!!!!  Until next post, thanks for keeping me accountable friends!  (I'll post new picture at 60lbs and it won't be in my swimsuit!LOL)

Lovin' Friday!

Hi Blog Buddies!  Hope you are all doing well and have exciting plans for the weekend.  I have to work. :(  Boo!  I have not weighed this week because this is not the week to step on a scale due to my "condition", if you know what I mean.  I will weigh and report on Monday.

Anyway, I have had a lot of thoughts about what I wanted to talk about today, as a matter of fact, I have started making verbal notes on my cell phone as I get ideas or when I hear people say things I want to address.  All of my co-workers are now apprehensive about talking around me because they are afraid they will become the daily topic on my blog.  LOL.  I have never used names friends so don't worry nobody will know you said it!  I woke up this morning at 5:30 and got my day started and I have found that when you have had little sleep and are driving to work you can often have very profound thoughts, that was the case for me this morning.  I began to think about the brain and the power that it has.  Think about it, your body cannot function if your brain is turned off.  Your body depends on your brain to make your heart, lungs and blood system work, as well as all those other bodily systems I have forgotten since I got out of high school.  What awesome power in one little organ!  The brain can tell you when you have pain, when you need medication, if you are tired, it sends signals when you are sick, it makes you walk, talk and think, isn't that amazing?  As I was thinking about thinking (I believe they call that "metacognition" if I remember correctly from my psych classes) I realized that as much power as my brain weilds there is still one organ that seems to have more control than the brain...yes, it is the stomach!  How is that possible?  I mean if your brain was more powerful than your stomach wouldn't we all be skinny?  My stomach growls and my brain begins to think about where I can get food!  So what is really controlling us?  our brains or our stomachs?  Ok, just kidding but it is an interesting thought, right?  My point of this rant is really this, if our brains are so powerful and control our thoughts and actions, why do we not do a better job of allowing it to do so?  I mean it is not natural for a person to be 100+ lbs overweight, not something a brain would make happen, right?  So then why does it?  Because even though our brains are powerful, our minds have more power!  Yes your mind, your thought process center, your CPU!  That is where decisions are made, thoughts are formed and actions are initiated.  Our minds often override our brains, for instance, I just ate, my stomach is full and my brain has said to stop eating.  My mind butts in and says, "but it tastes so good and I want to eat it."  Guess what happens, I eat it.  So my brain is engaged in a battle for control with my mind.  Who will win?  Each time is different, today my brain won!  Which is good, but who knows about tomorrow?  You'll just have to weight and see!

STRESS!

Today is a total STRESS day.  I cannot stress to you the level of stress I am feeling today, and probably a little anxiety as well.  I weighed today at 239 lbs.  That's a total loss of 49lbs!  Woo Hoo!  But I am having a major emotional crisis in my personal life today and I am not handling it well!  I have reverted to old habits today and have stress-ate!  As a matter of fact I am doing it now, yes right now, as I write on my blog about losing weight I am eating a Krystal, ok I am eating 2 Krystals!  How do I feel about it...justified...disgusted...overfull...and yes still STRESSED and a little anxious as well.  I had a piece of baby shower cake earlier, I didn't eat the icing but the cake was great!  I also had two (small) bags of chips!  I promise I have totally went off the deep end today!!!!  And guess what...it has not helped!!!  I have just proven to myself if no one else that food is not a stress reliever! If anything it has made me feel more stressed because now I have to worry about working off the extra calories. And I have to be honest on here with you guys so I have to consider how my breakdown will affect you!  Well, I know you have all been in this position before so I am just going to get over it, finish this long mentally exhausting day, go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.  Today, life will weight, tomorrow, life will start again!!

hello blogites!  hope you are all well.  I have been doing okay but stuck on a crappy plateau!  I haven't been able to get below 247!  It has challenged me.  i have wanted to quit, cry and scream!  but i was persistent and today (i know it's not monday) i weighed at 240 lbs.  i am so relieved and excited.  that is a total loss of 48 lbs.  2 more and i will reach a major mile mark, 50!  why did i decide to weigh today?  b cause yesterday i stretched my self emotionally and went shopping!  something i have hated to do for years because the fitting rooms are too small, clothes don't fit and it is just plain depressing!!!!  it took quite a while for me to finally make the decision to go, it was a battle in my mind!  i went and tried on shorts (they look more like capris on me! lol) i started with the size i started out with before trying to lose weight--28!  it was evident that those were too large when i was able to take them off without unbuttoning them!  i went down to a 26, 24 and then really stretched myself and tried a 22!  surprise  they fit perfectly!!!  i nearly cried.  i still feel like crying!  i am so amazed at the way my body is responding and the changes that are being made!  i have hope today that soon i will enjoy shopping!  i will be starting real exercise soon, as i am going to visit the Rush for a 2 week trial.  we will see how that goes cause i really don't like to sweat!!!!  anyway, i want to give everyone a thank you from the depths of my heart.  your encouragment has made a big difference, please continue to keep it coming as i am really a weak person when it comes to this area of my life.  soon enough i won't have to keep life weighting!

What day is it? Really??

Ok, love a paid holiday but I can never keep up with the day of week when I take a day off!  Anyway, we came back to work to discover that not only was one of our central air units out but BOTH of them are out.  Now keep in mind, I work in a 100 year old building that is brick and on the 2nd floor.  Can anyone say, "hades"?  Yes, it is hot.  At 8 am it was 95!!!  So I really don't need to diet this week, I'll just sweat off anything I want to lose!!! 

Larry and I went to Gatlinburg for the long weekend and had a great time.  We walked everywhere, at least two miles he said, and I felt really good.  I was tired and had leg cramps, but just being able to walk that far without having to sit down and rest every couple of feet was amazing to me!  We also spent time in the pool and the hot tub.  I have to find a hotel that is adult only from now on, it's not that I don't like children, it's just very difficult to have a nice romantic time with your husband when there are children everywhere you turn!!!  Plus, it's weird sharing a hot tub with a kid and your husband, totally WEIRD!!  Anyway, I weighed yesterday at 247.  Yes again and I was happy about it, we ate good this weekend, and I did go overboard a couple of times but I walked it off apparently!  Yeah for me!!! I am back on track today and ready to get to 50 lbs lost!!!!  I posted a new picture of me, although I don't think you can really tell that I have lost weight.  Maybe once I lose over 50 you will be able to tell.  I can because of my clothes, I got into a 2X shirt and was soooo excited!!!  It actually fits correctly.  So, I have no soapbox today, other than roasting, I am good!  Thanks for the encouragment friends!

Hey bloggers!  Hope you had a great weekend.  I attended my nieces's wedding in Kentucky and it was wonderful!  She was beautiful, he sang to her, my brother danced, I got to spend 6 hours in the car with my youngest son, laughing, joking, dancing, singing and rapping (yes I rapped, freestyle and I have to say for a white girl I did pretty good) AND a family member noticed I had lost weight.  Could not have been a better day!  Sunday was work and worship all tied into one as I went to a church to speak about foster care.  Today was just work (boo).  I weighed this morning at 247 lbs which is a total weight loss of 41 lbs.  So the weight loss has definitely slown down.  I have done well dieting this passed week, in fact, I had stomach virus and was unable to keep food down for two days.  So I guess now I have to kick the exercise into gear (BOO).  When I was young and thin I loved to exercise, I ran everyday, I would love to run again, but now I am physically unable.  Running would probably cause a cardiac infarction!  I guess I will settle and walk...and now's a good time because our agency is having a competition with our other agencies across the state to see which office can walk the most.  I guess I should be a "team player" and do my part instead of putting my pedometer on my dog (what?  I thought it was a great idea!)  Anyway, walk, walk, walk, why don't I want to walk?  It's simple...I'm FAT!!!  I don't like to sweat!  And, I'm FAT!  HELP!  I need an exervention!  (for all of you who do not speak "kesha" that's an exercise intervention).  Where are my motivators???  Somebody make me get my big butt (oh, by the way, I wore a dress to the wedding I wore to my son's graduation a year ago and although it looked a lot better from the front, my butt really stuck out!  I just can't seem to get it to cooperate with this weight loss thing) and exercise!  Where is Richard Simmons when you really need him?  And why did he name that stupid video sweatin to the oldies?  He could hav called it slimmin to the oldies, then I might have been deceived enough to actually do it!  Ok, I need suggestions, inspiration, motivation, a kick in the hiney, whatever you got.  Don't weight, HELP NOW!