Hide and Seek

Hello friends.  It has been a minute since I last posted.  Yes, I have been hiding...I "fell" off the dieting wagon...not really, I jumped off with both feet!!!  I have been avoiding my blog and my responsibility to myself as well as to my readers.  I am very sorry for that.  I have no excuses, but I do offer you an explanation.  For those of you who have never had to diet you may not understand.  When a person has made something such as this so public, for everyone to look at, scrutinize, criticize and sometimes support, it is easy to want to hide from that.  When I chose to take time off from my diet, I did not report it here because I view it as a failure.  Failure has always been my greatest fear and stumblingblock!  It is the reason I often choose not to try.  But today, I have decided to face my failure.  I am going to man up!!!  I failed.  Wow!  That was easier than I thought, I didn't die, I'm not depressed, I can go on....maybe failure is not as bad as we think!  What have I learned during my time of rebellion?  I don't like feeling over full, I don't like feeling guilty about eating, I don't like the scale mocking me, I don't like being held accountable, and above all...I AM HUMAN!  So, where do I go from here?  I have decided to try again.  Failure didn't kill me but the weight will!  I have to start over.  I need your support!  I would LOVE to lose about 50 more lbs by the end of the year, but I am willing to set a more realistic goal of 35-40.  I have not gotten on the scale yet, but that is my next step.  I know I may have gained a few lbs back, but not much.  So, tomorrow I will get on the scale and then I will post it here.  I think I have finally fixed the comment section so please comment.  Feel free to leave positive or negative, whatever you want, this is a safe place for everyone to be honest!!!  Until tomorrow, weight on me!!

Hey everyone!!  Hope you are having a great day!  The weather here is hot but beautiful!  I weighed Monday at 235lbs, which is a total loss of 53lbs!!!  Wooo Hooo!  I FINALLY broke the 50lb mark!!!  I am very excited about that!  Next goal 60!  I am still in amazement that I am actually losing weight!  Somebody pinch me!

So, on Father's Day we went to Dollywood Splash Country to celebrate.  It was my husband, two sons, one daughter in law and my mom.  Yes, I wore a swimsuit, in fact it was the same one I had bought to wear on the cruise in March and yes, it did fit much better!!!  So a big girl in a bathing suit....sounds like a very uncomfortable situation for everyone, right?   I learned something about myself that day.  Walking around in my swimsuit, I caught myself looking for someone who was my size or bigger.  Isn't that interesting?  Like I would feel more comfortable if I wasn't the largest girl in the park.  I thought about this and realized, I have done this my whole life!  I wonder do ALL girls look for someone that looks worse than they do when they enter an unfamiliar place?  A girl who may be shorter, or taller, bigger or smaller, uglier, dumber?  Why do we feel better about ourselves when we are around others who we feel superior to?  I wonder if that is an "American" thing?  Since then, I have made a concentrated effort to NOT look for the bigger girl!  I have had successful days and days of failure, but now that I am aware I will try to stop!  I do not need others to make me feel good about myself, that's my job!  I have always prided myself on my independence, my ability to be self reliant and my self esteem, maybe I have been fooling myself all this time?  Why do I keep finding things I need to work on emotionally?  I just wanted to lose weight!  Ah Ha!  There is no just losing weight, you have to deal with they why to prevent it from happening again!  Crud!  Oh well, no more weighting, now's my time!!!!!  Until next post, thanks for keeping me accountable friends!  (I'll post new picture at 60lbs and it won't be in my swimsuit!LOL)

Lovin' Friday!

Hi Blog Buddies!  Hope you are all doing well and have exciting plans for the weekend.  I have to work. :(  Boo!  I have not weighed this week because this is not the week to step on a scale due to my "condition", if you know what I mean.  I will weigh and report on Monday.

Anyway, I have had a lot of thoughts about what I wanted to talk about today, as a matter of fact, I have started making verbal notes on my cell phone as I get ideas or when I hear people say things I want to address.  All of my co-workers are now apprehensive about talking around me because they are afraid they will become the daily topic on my blog.  LOL.  I have never used names friends so don't worry nobody will know you said it!  I woke up this morning at 5:30 and got my day started and I have found that when you have had little sleep and are driving to work you can often have very profound thoughts, that was the case for me this morning.  I began to think about the brain and the power that it has.  Think about it, your body cannot function if your brain is turned off.  Your body depends on your brain to make your heart, lungs and blood system work, as well as all those other bodily systems I have forgotten since I got out of high school.  What awesome power in one little organ!  The brain can tell you when you have pain, when you need medication, if you are tired, it sends signals when you are sick, it makes you walk, talk and think, isn't that amazing?  As I was thinking about thinking (I believe they call that "metacognition" if I remember correctly from my psych classes) I realized that as much power as my brain weilds there is still one organ that seems to have more control than the brain...yes, it is the stomach!  How is that possible?  I mean if your brain was more powerful than your stomach wouldn't we all be skinny?  My stomach growls and my brain begins to think about where I can get food!  So what is really controlling us?  our brains or our stomachs?  Ok, just kidding but it is an interesting thought, right?  My point of this rant is really this, if our brains are so powerful and control our thoughts and actions, why do we not do a better job of allowing it to do so?  I mean it is not natural for a person to be 100+ lbs overweight, not something a brain would make happen, right?  So then why does it?  Because even though our brains are powerful, our minds have more power!  Yes your mind, your thought process center, your CPU!  That is where decisions are made, thoughts are formed and actions are initiated.  Our minds often override our brains, for instance, I just ate, my stomach is full and my brain has said to stop eating.  My mind butts in and says, "but it tastes so good and I want to eat it."  Guess what happens, I eat it.  So my brain is engaged in a battle for control with my mind.  Who will win?  Each time is different, today my brain won!  Which is good, but who knows about tomorrow?  You'll just have to weight and see!

STRESS!

Today is a total STRESS day.  I cannot stress to you the level of stress I am feeling today, and probably a little anxiety as well.  I weighed today at 239 lbs.  That's a total loss of 49lbs!  Woo Hoo!  But I am having a major emotional crisis in my personal life today and I am not handling it well!  I have reverted to old habits today and have stress-ate!  As a matter of fact I am doing it now, yes right now, as I write on my blog about losing weight I am eating a Krystal, ok I am eating 2 Krystals!  How do I feel about it...justified...disgusted...overfull...and yes still STRESSED and a little anxious as well.  I had a piece of baby shower cake earlier, I didn't eat the icing but the cake was great!  I also had two (small) bags of chips!  I promise I have totally went off the deep end today!!!!  And guess what...it has not helped!!!  I have just proven to myself if no one else that food is not a stress reliever! If anything it has made me feel more stressed because now I have to worry about working off the extra calories. And I have to be honest on here with you guys so I have to consider how my breakdown will affect you!  Well, I know you have all been in this position before so I am just going to get over it, finish this long mentally exhausting day, go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.  Today, life will weight, tomorrow, life will start again!!

hello blogites!  hope you are all well.  I have been doing okay but stuck on a crappy plateau!  I haven't been able to get below 247!  It has challenged me.  i have wanted to quit, cry and scream!  but i was persistent and today (i know it's not monday) i weighed at 240 lbs.  i am so relieved and excited.  that is a total loss of 48 lbs.  2 more and i will reach a major mile mark, 50!  why did i decide to weigh today?  b cause yesterday i stretched my self emotionally and went shopping!  something i have hated to do for years because the fitting rooms are too small, clothes don't fit and it is just plain depressing!!!!  it took quite a while for me to finally make the decision to go, it was a battle in my mind!  i went and tried on shorts (they look more like capris on me! lol) i started with the size i started out with before trying to lose weight--28!  it was evident that those were too large when i was able to take them off without unbuttoning them!  i went down to a 26, 24 and then really stretched myself and tried a 22!  surprise  they fit perfectly!!!  i nearly cried.  i still feel like crying!  i am so amazed at the way my body is responding and the changes that are being made!  i have hope today that soon i will enjoy shopping!  i will be starting real exercise soon, as i am going to visit the Rush for a 2 week trial.  we will see how that goes cause i really don't like to sweat!!!!  anyway, i want to give everyone a thank you from the depths of my heart.  your encouragment has made a big difference, please continue to keep it coming as i am really a weak person when it comes to this area of my life.  soon enough i won't have to keep life weighting!

What day is it? Really??

Ok, love a paid holiday but I can never keep up with the day of week when I take a day off!  Anyway, we came back to work to discover that not only was one of our central air units out but BOTH of them are out.  Now keep in mind, I work in a 100 year old building that is brick and on the 2nd floor.  Can anyone say, "hades"?  Yes, it is hot.  At 8 am it was 95!!!  So I really don't need to diet this week, I'll just sweat off anything I want to lose!!! 

Larry and I went to Gatlinburg for the long weekend and had a great time.  We walked everywhere, at least two miles he said, and I felt really good.  I was tired and had leg cramps, but just being able to walk that far without having to sit down and rest every couple of feet was amazing to me!  We also spent time in the pool and the hot tub.  I have to find a hotel that is adult only from now on, it's not that I don't like children, it's just very difficult to have a nice romantic time with your husband when there are children everywhere you turn!!!  Plus, it's weird sharing a hot tub with a kid and your husband, totally WEIRD!!  Anyway, I weighed yesterday at 247.  Yes again and I was happy about it, we ate good this weekend, and I did go overboard a couple of times but I walked it off apparently!  Yeah for me!!! I am back on track today and ready to get to 50 lbs lost!!!!  I posted a new picture of me, although I don't think you can really tell that I have lost weight.  Maybe once I lose over 50 you will be able to tell.  I can because of my clothes, I got into a 2X shirt and was soooo excited!!!  It actually fits correctly.  So, I have no soapbox today, other than roasting, I am good!  Thanks for the encouragment friends!

Hey bloggers!  Hope you had a great weekend.  I attended my nieces's wedding in Kentucky and it was wonderful!  She was beautiful, he sang to her, my brother danced, I got to spend 6 hours in the car with my youngest son, laughing, joking, dancing, singing and rapping (yes I rapped, freestyle and I have to say for a white girl I did pretty good) AND a family member noticed I had lost weight.  Could not have been a better day!  Sunday was work and worship all tied into one as I went to a church to speak about foster care.  Today was just work (boo).  I weighed this morning at 247 lbs which is a total weight loss of 41 lbs.  So the weight loss has definitely slown down.  I have done well dieting this passed week, in fact, I had stomach virus and was unable to keep food down for two days.  So I guess now I have to kick the exercise into gear (BOO).  When I was young and thin I loved to exercise, I ran everyday, I would love to run again, but now I am physically unable.  Running would probably cause a cardiac infarction!  I guess I will settle and walk...and now's a good time because our agency is having a competition with our other agencies across the state to see which office can walk the most.  I guess I should be a "team player" and do my part instead of putting my pedometer on my dog (what?  I thought it was a great idea!)  Anyway, walk, walk, walk, why don't I want to walk?  It's simple...I'm FAT!!!  I don't like to sweat!  And, I'm FAT!  HELP!  I need an exervention!  (for all of you who do not speak "kesha" that's an exercise intervention).  Where are my motivators???  Somebody make me get my big butt (oh, by the way, I wore a dress to the wedding I wore to my son's graduation a year ago and although it looked a lot better from the front, my butt really stuck out!  I just can't seem to get it to cooperate with this weight loss thing) and exercise!  Where is Richard Simmons when you really need him?  And why did he name that stupid video sweatin to the oldies?  He could hav called it slimmin to the oldies, then I might have been deceived enough to actually do it!  Ok, I need suggestions, inspiration, motivation, a kick in the hiney, whatever you got.  Don't weight, HELP NOW! 

Just another Monday!

Hello all.  Sorry I haven't written in a week.  I know I should be ashamed but I was really hiding!  I had a terrible food week!  I even broke down and ate real ice cream on Saturday and did not drink one drop of water yesterday!!!!  But...I weighed this morning at 250 lbs, which is a total loss of 38lbs!  and that was on the doctor scale!  So I am back on track now (again) I had a 250 calorie lunch and a 100 calorie snack, it was a skinny cow ice cream!  and it was sooooo delicious!!!  Almost too good to be true! 

Skinny cow now that's an oxymoron!  Has anyone ever seen a cow that was skinny and healthy?  No!  Just the image it brings is sickening! 

Wow, that was a weird tangent.  So, my son, who was in culinary school, made a terrific statement the other day.  It was, "fat=flavor".  Of course he was talking about adding fat (butter, oil, etc) to a recipe but I got to thinking, why couldn't that apply to people as well?  It could.  Fat equals flavor!  Why does someone who is overweight have to be boring and predictable, why can't we be spontaneous and fun?  I don't know about others but I AM!!  I love having fun, dancing, singing (even though I can't), playing, swimming, travel!  I love it all and I shouldn't shy away from it because I am heavy and I refuse to live my life according to other people's standards!  I WILL BE ME WHEN I AM HEAVY AND I WILL BE ME WHEN I AM NOT!!  Just weight and watch me!

Hello Monday, we meet again.

Monday.  Today is definitely Monday.  My body is totaling feeling it today.  A friend said the other day, "I'm having a fat day".  I made him think I was completely offended by that statement and I was going to write terrible things about him in my blog. Well, today, Monday, I am having a total "fat day".  I weighed this morning at 252 lbs.  Disappointing.  Need encouragement from my supporters today.  Looking forward to Tuesday.

Mothers Day 2011

Happiest Mothers Day to all who have ever been a mother, understand that being a mother does not necessarily mean physically having a child.  It means if you have ever loved, advised, guided, disciplined, comforted, encouraged and molded a child.  Thanks to all of the women in my life that have been my mothers.  A special thank you to my loving mother who puts up with me and still loves me! 

I have corrected the comment issue so I encourage you to please leave a comment! 

I went dancing last night with my husband, youngest son and some good friends.  We went to a little country place called "the pickin barn".  It is a family oriented establishment, no alcohol or smoking and all ages are welcome.  We had a lot of fun and let me tell you dancing is definitely EXERCISE!!!  I am sore today!!  So being a pretty outgoing person I do not mind getting up in front of others and dancing.  I like to have fun and I deserve to have fun.  Many people who are overweight have a feeling that they do not deserve good things in their life.  I have been there!  All people no matter what they look like deserve to have every good thing they possibly can!  No conditions.  So what if people laugh or make fun of you!  Who cares!  The opinion of others only matters if you let it!   There are only a very selected few people in my life that I allow to influence me based on what they think, feel and believe.  If I allowed all the people in my life to have that ability, I would never be able to make my own decisions, I would have no self esteem, I could not function on my own.  Essentially I would have given all of my power away to others.  I have done that before but at some point I realized that I need my power, that I am a powerful, intelligent, beautiful and capable woman!  Weight does not affect any of those attributes, unless you let it and I refuse to let it!  I will not weight around watching life go by!  I encourage you to live your life the way you choose and not let anyone hinder you in your pursuits.  If you like to dance, dance, if you like to sing, sing, if you like sports, play sports, don't let how you look stop you!  Be true to YOU!

Completely Excited!!

I will start today with a side note from yesterday's blog.  I was discussing it with my family when my son told me that two of  his friends told him that he was, "the best looking fat guy they knew".  Irritating!  Why, oh why must there be a qualifer?  Why can't he just be called a good looking guy?  If anyone knows the answer please comment and let me know. 

Well, I have just met a MAJOR goal in my weight loss journey!  Today I was able to bend over, put on my socks and shoes and then tie them ALL BY MYSELF!!  WOOO HOOO!!  Ok for all of you who may be wondering why this is such a major milestone, in other words all you skinny folks, I will explain.  For about 10 years now I have been too overweight to reach my feet.  To put on shoes and tie them I had to sit down and bring my leg up beside me to do so and even then there have been times that I have still not been able to reach them.  I think as happy as I am my dear wonderful husband is even happier so he won't have to help me anymore!  Being severely overweight definitely hinders independence in a person.  There have been many things that I have not been able to reach, some of them I would never dare to write on my blog...I will leave that to your imagination, let's just say there is an animated movie out there called, "meet the robinsons" and on this movie there is a dinosaur who is trying to catch these children but he cannot reach them because, as he says, "i've got a great big head and little bitty arms", well my situation is similar, "i've got a great big butt and little bitty arms"!!!  'Nough said about that!  I have decided that when I reach 40 lbs lost I will post a new picture, so hopefully that will be any day now, who knows maybe even on Monday.  Gotta go for now, going to get my groove on at a local dance club (family oriented country). 

Hey how do you like the new background?  I love it, what do you think?  Let me know.  Also, post your weight loss if you are working with me!!!

Friday!!!! Yeah!!!! :)

It's Friday!  It's Friday!! Yeah!!  Hey everyone! Hope you are all well on this beautiful Friday afternoon! So, my co-workers have given me much to write about in the last week.  For instance, one of my co-workers was (jokingly) hurling insults at another co-worker yesterday and he said, "fat and ugly".  Fat AND ugly??? Hmmm.  What exactly do you think he meant by that?  That being ugly is a condition of being fat?  Or maybe that being fat is a condition of being ugly.  Either way it was obviously intended as an insult.  I mean, you never hear someone insulting another person by saying, "you are skinny and beautiful"!  Pretty good bet it was an insult.  Good thing as Americans, we have freedom of speech so we can use it to jab, poke and verbally harass others.  Do you really think that's what our founding fathers intended us to use that freedom for?  Probably not.  Wow!  Sounds like I have found my soapbox today!!!  I guess I could use my freedom to interpret and change my perception of that statement.  Maybe I should look at it in the light of "if you're fat, you must not be ugly"  otherwise why would they say both?  Maybe being fat makes you mutually exclusive from being ugly.  Well, I have heard people say, "you've got such a pretty face".  I am unsure how to perceive this comment as well.  In the past I have perceived it to mean, "your face is pretty, but the rest of your body is gross".  I think from now on I will choose to think it is positive. 

Words are so powerful and yet we sling them around without the slightest thought of how they may affect someone else.  I am as guilty as anyone and I am ashamed.  Words once spoken can NEVER be taken back.  You can apologize and really mean it, but you can never put those words back in your mouth and make them be not heard.  They are out there and believe me once they are spoken and heard they are never forgotten.  So let's make an effort to be more careful about the words we use and our intention in using them.  You never know who might be hearing them.  Thanks for weighting!

Tuesday, I think!

Since I have been dishing about truth check out this truth..."I'm in a tight spot!".  At least that's what I think everytime I attempt to use a public restroom, sit in a  restaurant booth, or try clothes on in a fitting room.  Really who designed those things?  Must have been a  skinny dude!!!  Ok, admit it you all know what I'm talking about.  You realize you are going to have to use a public restroom and immediately you begin feeling the anxiety creep up your neck, "will it be too small?", "will the doors open in or out?", "can I get away with using the handicap stall?".   Ok, you're laughing but you know it's true!  You walk into the restroom at any public place and you look to see if the doors opens in or out.  Most of the time they open in, which means, for big girls anyway, that we are going to have to play contortionist to use the restroom.  Is it  worth the hassle?  Well, for a big girl who's had three babies and now suffers with bladder dementia (it forgets when it is suppose to hold urine and when it is ok to let it go) it is not a matter of "is it worth it?" it's a matter of "can I hold it?".  And the answer is usually NO.  So, I face my anxiety, take a deep breath and bravely confront the restroom stall.  I open the door (of course, inward) step in and begin the humiliating task of attempting to close the door while standing on the toilet seat (ok, I have never really stood on the seat before, but I have straddled it many times).  Once the door is shut, you begin to "prepare" and this is just as bad as the door incident.  I mean imagine if you will, a hippopotamus standing in a shower stall trying to take off undergarments...just not comfortable!!!  So, here I sit in this miniscule stall with one shoulder against each wall, my knees touching the door (and remember I am short), the toilet paper dispenser crowding my belly and I won't even mention where the sanitary napkin disposal is sticking me!  Oh, the horror!!  Unfortunately it doesn't end there because once you are finished you must clean yourself and re-dress.  Not pretty.  I have often hit my head on the door while pulling up my pants!  Once you are successfully re-dressed you have to face opening the door again while straddling the toilet.  Of course, while you are straddling the toilet is the exact time that someone walks by or a little kid points and laughs!  The indignity is nearly unbearable and please do not even get me started on the port a potty!!!  Until next time, keep weighting on me!                                         

Today (Monday)!!!

So, I weighed today at 252 lbs. I lost one more pound.  I really shouldn't be discouraged but it is hard not to be.  I took my ring in this weekend to have it cleaned and sized it went from a size 9 to a 7 1/2.  Hmm, maybe I am getting smaller. 

As a big girl, I have had well intentioned friends in my life that lie.  Have you ever had that experience?  Yes, friends lie, shocking isn't it?  But does it really count as a lie if they are trying to spare your feelings?  HECK YES!!!  So you want an example huh?  Okay here goes.  I have this one friend who we will call Dolly.  One day I was pouring out my heart to Dolly about being overweight and the feelings I associated with this condition...okay enough beating around the bush, I was telling Dolly how much I hated being FAT!  My dear friend "Dolly" looked at me and said, "oh, Kesha, you're not fat".  Well intentioned, good hearted....liar!  I was insulted!  Of course I am fat, does she think I am blind and stupid too?  Really why do we do things like that?  I mean I CAN see and my doctor tells me every chance he gets how I need to lose weight, would he do so if I weren't fat?  I think not!  So we lie to make people feel better about themselves, all the while we leave them in the condition that is so unsatisfying to them, and in my case, dangerous to my health (physical and mental).  A pastor once said, "ladies, don't put your husbands in the position where they have to lie"  it makes me think of the honest abe commercial where his wife asks him if her dress makes her look fat, he struggles to answer without lying, but he is consumed with guilt about the truth.  Why are people uncomfortable when I say I am fat?  It is the truth.  Is it the truth that makes them uncomfortable or the preconceptions that society has formed concerning people who are fat, such as, lazy, stupid, non motivated, uneducated, dirty, and without self control?   I have had doctor's in the past that did everything possible to keep from touching me, as if, fat was contagious!  Listen up people!  Fat is not contagious, unless you choose it to be!  Don't lie to make me feel better, because it doesn't work!  I can convince myself that I am a size 6 but when I try to put on a size 6 it ain't happening!  Be bold, be kind, tell the truth, and help me change my life instead of enabling me to stay in the same miserable condition.  Who knows, if someone had told the truth many years ago, my self deception may have not worked and I would not have gotten to this point.  Love me enough to be honest even if it does hurt.  Love hurts!  But fat kills!  Don't weight until it's too late.  See ya next time.

May Day!

Hello all.  I must begin by apologizing for my lack of posting in the past week.  My schedule was booked Monday and Tuesday and then, as most of you know, Wednesday was the day of the devastating weather here in Tennessee and I have been without power until midnight last night.  I have to tell you that although being without power is an awful inconvenience, I am grateful that it is all I am without after the devastation I have witnessed in the last week.  Entire neighborhoods completely gone and lives lost.  Please continue to remember all of the victims of the tornados in prayer.

So remember how I talked about my husband being a saboteur?  And how he has gotten better about not doing that?  Well, now he has gone too far!  The other day he took me out to eat in Chattanooga while we were down there getting a part for the generator.  Anyway, this place had brownies in baggies on the counter and I picked one up and said, "do you want to half this?".  He said sure so we bought it.  Later on he opened it in the car and gave me about a half inch square of the brownie and he ate a large chunk of it.  He was saving the rest for later in the day.  When later came he opened it again and said do you want a bite, I said, "nah, not right now" and he ate the whole thing!!!!  I guess he is really trying his best to help me LOL.  While he is helping me he has gained 3 lbs!  So the moral of this story?  Don't let your husband split the brownie!!!  Weight on Monday was 253 lbs, which is a total loss of 35 lbs!!!  Still moving along! 

DAY 10 (LOL)

Apparently, I am experiencing a groundhog day with my blog, it's been day 10 for 4 days now!  Strange!  So I guess, it is really Day 13.  Maybe I can find the way out of this round a bout tomorrow and actually post the correct day!  Speaking of round a bouts, that is what a person feels like when they are overeating.  They can see the exit, know where it is and how to get to it, but just can't get out.  Sometimes, you get in the correct lane but by the time you reach the turn off you've convinced yourself that getting out of the round a bout would be too scary or too difficult, maybe you're going to fast...Let me encourage you GET OUT OF THE ROUND A BOUT!!  YOUR LIFE IS WAITING ON YOU!  I spent so many years going in that stupid circle, eating until I felt like I would die I was so stuffed, only to eat again in a couple of hours.  Always going on some crazy diet (moving into the correct lane) only to fail miserably and gain all the weight plus a good 10-15 lbs extra back.  I was so convinced that I could never change my eating habits that it just felt safer to stay in the round a bout than ever try to get out.  Well, I have finally made it out of the round a bout and guess what, it wasn't so hard, it's not scary at all and I feel wonderful!  I have more energy, I am able to do more things now that I used to and my self esteem is through the roof!  I am ready to stop weighting on life and living it instead!  If you are a follower of this blog that means you need to follow my lead and do something different!  It's not always about losing weight, it could be some other thing you struggle with in your life.  Remember once today is over you can never get it back, so don't wait!  Look in the mirror, appreciate yourself and work towards excellence!

Day 10

So another full day.  Traveled to Nashville, was in meetings all day.  I ate well today and feel good about it.  I am really tired and funny is not on my radar today.  Maybe I will send laughs tomorrow. 

Day 10

Okay, undeniably one of the worst days ever!!!  Today was so stressful and I got so little accomplished it is a wonder I haven't totally pigged out and gained all 29 lbs back instantly!  Maybe I haven't because I haven't had time!!!  Anyway, I haven't and I am not going to start now!  Still have about 4 1/2 hours of work to go before I can lay my head down on my pillow.  I wonder why my body thought today would be a good day to start at 5 am? 
Remember I told you I made my office a "safe zone"?  Well since then I have been planning an Easter Egg Hunt for the foster children I work with, guess what that means?  Tons of candy on my desk and now I am staring at 120 little iced cookies!  Not to mention when I opened one of my desk drawers today I found a bag of gummy lifesavers, my favorite!  None of my co-workers would admit to putting them there, I guess they expect me to believe the tooth fairy brought them.  Saboteurs!!  They are literally ALL around me!  There should be some type of warning sign so you can easily identify them from a distance, maybe they should all be forced to wear bright yellow or carry a sign that says, "one bite won't hurt you".  My husband used to be the worst one, always offering me food, sometimes even insisting.  He is doing much better this time and has even refused to give me things.  My mother is the worst!!  Of course I am sure being overweight started with her anyway since she was a tried and true member of the "clean your plate" club.  Since I have changed my eating habits she has continuously poked and prodded to get me to eat what she thinks is the appropriate amount of food and when I don't she sighs deeply and says, "I just want to make sure you're getting enough to eat"  or the famous "I love you too much to see you starve".  Oh, the love of a mother, so deep, never ending and completely guilt ridden! 
Side note, last night I caught myself saying, "wait on me" to my husband and youngest son.  I litterally laughed out loud!  Until next time. 

Day Nine (oops missed Day 8!)

Good morning all!  I am sooooo sore!!  My weekend workout... Saturday, first laundry, then a trip to Dayton and back, I helped my husband move cabinets, Saturday night I went dancing with some friends (not something my body is used to at all), Sunday worked on the house ALL day from 10 am until 9 pm (of course with a lunch break stuck in there).  Working on the house included setting the cabinets, cleaning the cabinets, removing the hardware from the cabinets, moving other furniture, washing the walls, picking up the yard and helping to install a door (which looks beautiful)!   All I can say at this point is OWWWWWW!!!!  My body hurts!!  Places I never knew existed are crying out in pain!  But I must say, it is a good pain! 
Monday is the decided weigh in day, so today's total is.... split, with clothing it is 261 lbs, without it is 257 lbs.  Hmmm, which will I believe...I guess I will choose to believe I have now lost a total of 29 lbs!!!  One more and I will hit 30!!  Can't wait!  Or is it...can't weight!!!  See ya next time and thanks for reading!

Day Seven

I am officially back on track!  I stayed completely within my calorie count for the last three days.  I find it quite amazing the things I can eat as long as I don't overdo it.  Funny thing though, I don't want to eat those things like I used to.  They are just not as appealing as they once seemed, otherwise I would have definnitely caved yesterday durning the great donut temptation!!  I began thinking about why a person gains weight and decided there is no one answer.  Each person gains for different reasons.  My biggest reason, is stress!!!   When I feel stressed or have anxiety, I eat, of course I couldn't be one of those girls that intentionally induce vomitting instead (just kidding).  So, to keep from over eating or emotional eating I have to determine what makes me stressed in order to avoid those things.  Things that make me stressed...hmmm...well, one thing that makes me stressed is weighing daily.  I decided that stepping on the scale daily is just too stressful so I am only going to be weighing weekly now.  I think I get another gray hair each time I think about getting on that thing!!  Work is another stressful thing high on my list, however, I cannot avoid it so I must learn new methods of coping that do not involve food, or could it involve food?   I could throw food at people who stress me out, I could stomp food when I am upset or cut it up or put it in the shredder, hmmm, I should explore this idea further.  Anyway, I am sure there are many other things that stress me out but I am really just to stressed to think about it today (LOL).  So weight on me until next time when I can reveal other stressful things to avoid!!

Day 6

Well, I didn't write yesterday because we had a crisis at work and I was dealing with that.  Today I got up, got ready, and put on my shoes.  Surprise!  They are too big now!  Tell me ladies, why do women lose weight in places they don't necessarily want to first?  I mean, I can barely keep my wedding ring on my finger, I had to buy a smaller size bra (both cup and size), and now my shoes are sliding off when I walk!  Come on now, I have plenty to get rid of in my hips, thighs, belly and butt, BODY!  TAKE THAT FIRST!!!  Too bad we can't designate areas that need to go, "brain, today I want you to take fat from my butt, leave my hands alone!"  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way and now I have these nice slim hands, feet and smaller boobs and a GREAT BIG BUTT!!!  The unfairness of this situation has not escaped me.  Makes me want to throw myself in the floor, kick, scream and bang my head like I did when I was little.  I don't think my boss would understand if she walked in on that! 
I weighed today at 263 lbs.  A major milestone, 25 lbs gone!!!  I am very excited ( as my shoe slides off and trips me!).  I have been disappointed about the speed of weight lose over the last month, but since I have reached this milestone today I felt better.  I came to work and decided to make my office a "safe zone".  I got all of my stash (candy) and gave it to my co-workers.  The only food left in my desk are 100 calorie packs!  Great strides!!!  Then the only foster child on my caseload came in...selling donuts!  Krispy Kreme does not play fair!!!  I bought two boxes but refused to take them, yeah for me I am a good girl!  Then my co-workers came in my office and tried to "share" the donuts they had purchased.  Everywhere I turn there are saboteurs!!!  And believe me I am not strong enough to resist them all.  However, I employed my "will power" which is a real joke.  I don't need will power, will is not the problem.  I need won't power!!  I did not take a donut and I feel great about it!!!  So today, as I leave the office to go to the juvenile court for a very important event, I will be saying to my co-workers, "weight on me", not just because I am slow, but because weight is coming off and so are my shoes!!!!  Have a great day!

Day Four

Good morning my friends.  As I was getting ready for work at 6 am this morning all I could think about was, "when will I have time to blog today, I have a crazy day ahead!".  And it's true, I am currently running late for an appointment, makes me wonder, "am I trading one addiction (eating) for another?"  Oh, well that thought is to be explored when I have more time.  So today I want to briefly discuss what happened on that television reality show where people sing, you know the initials are AI.  Anyway, apparently two young women had front row seats and one of them was 5'3" and 150lbs.  The ushers (at least they are the ones getting the blame) moved the girls to the back of the house because they did not want them in the camera shots.  Shameful!  That is a perfect example of what is wrong with our society.  Somebody, somewhere, thinks they have the right and authority to make the rules about how people should look and if you don't fit their mold, then you get hidden in the back.  Funny thing is in our society (America) statistics show that 74.1% of the population are obese or overweight.  Now that is a very high number, it seems to me that if we are the majority, then we should be the ones defining what is okay and what is not.  I know if I were in control, those young ladies would not only have sat on the front row but they would have gotten a lot of close ups!  Shame on AI and shame on us for not standing up and voicing our opinions.  Fat people could rule the world, if only we didn't allow the skinny people to bully us!?  Power to the pudgy!!!  Until later, keep weighting on me.  (no weigh in today, no time)!!!

Day Three

Losing weight can be so discouraging at times, like when you know you are losing because your clothes don't fit right anymore, but the scale refuses to confirm it!  Still at 264, I knew not to trust that other scale!!!  Hopes now plummeting to the ground :( maybe it will be better later this week.  Or not...
I just ate and it was more than I should have.  I am now miserable, for the first time in two  months, I have eaten too much!!!  Do I feel ashamed?  No, I made the choice to do it and now I am making the choice to get passed it and start over.  I have realized that I cannot dwell on my failures.  I have spent too much time in my life letting past failures and potential future failures hold me back.  So, I goofed!  And it was on purpose!  That doesn't mean I quit.  No, it just means I am human and I still have emotional work to do.  That is always the real "heavy" work.  So, I am getting back on that proverbial "horse" and charging forward, or is it crawling forward?  Whatever, I AM GOING FORWARD and that's all that really counts.  Until next time, Thanks for weighting on me!

Day Two

Good morning friends!  I thought about writing all day yesterday.  I love to write and couldn't wait to get back and do so again today.  I appreciate all the views and the comments.  Thanks Delilah and Angie for your encouragement, I need it!  Also to the others who commented on Facebook, I thank you. 
I want to start today by saying that I do not want to offend anyone, so please read my blog with tongue in cheek.  Being overweight for so many years, I understand the thoughts that a heavy person has and I intend to share them, good, bad and ugly!  With that said, today I thought I would talk about what I am doing to lose weight...STARVING!!!  Only joking I tried that in the past and boy did it ever backfire!  I am just being practical about eating.  I eat 1200-1500 calories a day (usually around 1200), take the stairs instead of the elevator at work (and we have 20 steps, straight up!), spend less time on the computer (ummm, really!), and I do not spend 10 minutes circling Wal Mart looking for the closest parking spot, now I just park and walk.  I go outside more and have started an exercise program with some friends from work.  Well, to be completely honest, we have only done the program that starts with a Z once, so I guess we have started it, we just haven't continued it.  LOL. Well, that is what I am doing and I have to tell you that so far it has not been that hard.  Most of you know I just got back from a cruise and believe it or not I lost two pounds ON VACATION!!!!  Even with my biggest staboteurs with me!!!  (you know who you are).  But that's another post all together, maybe tomorrow I will talk about them or my "great" will power.  Anyway, I weighed this morning at 260 but I do not trust that scale!  I will swing by the doctor and weigh again and let everyone know the real truth!  Until then, weight on me!

Day One (sort of)

Hello friends.  I have been inspired by a new friend to begin writing a blog.  Today is the first day of the rest of my blog!  LOL  I have chosen to write about a topic that is very familiar to me and probably to most who will stop and read here.  Weight.  You notice my blog title is "Weight On Me".  Yes that is a pun.  Weight on me is the problem and because I am overweight and short, I say, "wait on me" all the time.  Clever, huh?  Anyway, almost two months ago I began (yet another) weight loss plan.  Over the past 20 years I have tried to lose weight only to gain it and more back (anybody out there know what I'm talking about?).  I have learned not to tell people that you are dieting because when you start to talk about it people get expectations and then if you fail eveyone knows.  That is very hard on the old ego!  After the last failure, I made up my mind that I was not going to try to lose weight again.  I convinced myself that I am happy in my body no matter what it looks like.  Well, in February I went to my doctor and had a wake up call!  I may not really care what I look like, but I do care if my body works and it is beginning to not.   So, I swallowed my pride, put my ego in check and decided that I need to try again.  I have only told a very select few that I am dieting, until today...Now everyone knows!  I am doing this because I guess I need accountability and encouragement.  That's where you come in.  So, even though this is the most embarrassing thing I have EVER done I will daily post my weight, gain or loss, grin and grit my teeth!  My beginning weight in February was 288 lbs.  Today I weigh in at 264 lbs.  Please I would love your feedback and your company on this journey.